Post-Partum Depression

Depression in general is not often talked about in anything other than hushed tones. Millions of people suffer from it to varying degrees, but it is still often something people are ashamed of. I was diagnosed with depression (dysthymia, more specifically) my freshman year in college and at first didn't think it was something I should talk about. My counselor suggested anti-depressants, and I tried A LOT of them before I found the right one. Initially I thought the medications would stifle my true self, that they wouldn't let me be who I really was inside. But once I was on wellbutrin I realized that it helped me to access the happier, calmer parts of my personality. The medication and the assistance of a great therapist really allieviated most of my depressive feelings, and for years I was doing really well.

Then I got pregnant and decided to try getting off the wellbutrin ... I just didn't want my unborn baby to be affected by it in any way, if possible. Amazingly enough, I felt fantastic off my medication; the pregnancy hormones made me feel wonderfully happy and with a little therapy I was able to deal with things pretty well.

Eight months later (since you really don't know you're pregnant that first month), I had my beautiful baby boy and I couldn't have been happier. He was gorgeous, healthy, and happy himself. So about a week later when I started crying for no reason, unable to stop for up to an hour at a time, and feeling sad and doubting my abilities as a mother, I sought help from my doctor and my therapist. They decided, given how I was feeling, it would be a good idea for me to start on an anti-depressant and to really get back into therapy. Wellbutrin isn't approved for women who are breastfeeding, so I had to try something else. Luckily, the first drug I tried (Zoloft) has worked wonderfully and hasn't seemed to have had any effect on my son.

Now, I feel happy, and I am able to better handle the stresses of being a new mom. I wish I didn't have to be on medication, but I hated how I felt when I was crying so much. I remember thinking to myself as I was sobbing, "Nicole, you have everything you have ever wanted ... why can't you just be happy?!" And now I am.