Dear Baylor and Amalia: Happy

My dearest Baylor and Amalia,

I know this morning has been rough.  Mommy has been very tired, we're all sick, and we're trying to get back into the swing of things after a long, hectic weekend.  I am sorry I got angry and did things I shouldn't have; taking away your water bottle and books, Baylor, was only done out of extreme frustration and I do apologize.

The thing is, kiddos, I know this sort of struggle is going to happen again and again; you are going to want to do what you want to do and I am going to have my own ideas of what should happen, and they aren't always going to match up.  But there is something I want you to always keep in mind when we don't agree or when I ask you to do something that isn't part of your in-the-moment wishes ...

No matter what, the only thing I really and truly want for you is for you to be happy.  Whatever I do, I do with your happiness in mind.  It isn't always instant happiness I'm after but the longer, lingering happiness that stretches past mere seconds into the rest of the day.  I would love to indulge you and give you all you desire, but I know in the end it won't make you happy people and that is my ultimate goal.  I want you to learn to be happy in spite of adversity, in spite of difficulties that get in your way; if you got everything you ever wanted as a kid you'd be sorely disappointed as an adult, believe me.  I want you to be able to find happiness in the small things, not just the giant gestures.  I want you to be able to find happiness in doing things for others and seeing joy in someone you love.  I want you to learn how to earn your happiness, working hard and doing the things that need to be done to ensure happiness later on.  And I want you to learn to go out and make your own happiness; I know I won't always be there to help you to happy and I want you to know how to find it yourself.

So no, going down for a nap isn't really fun and I can tell  it isn't making you happy, but that rest will help you feel better and be happier later on.  Eating your vegetables isn't the be all end all, but the good things in those veggies will help you grow healthy and strong, a good basis for all happiness.  And so on, and so forth.

It's easy for me when the things that will make you happy are the things I had planned on too; when we all want to read or color or go for a walk, those moments bring me strength and an abundance of joy.  Those moments steel me up for the tough moments like we had today.  In the midst of all the warnings and directions, I often wonder if I'm on the right track, if I'm doing the best I can for you.  In the end, there's no real way of knowing, but whenever I see you guys smile or hear you laugh, I start to think I must be doing something right.

Baylor and Amalia, I have loved you both since the moment I met you and will love you forever, no matter what.  You are turning into two amazing, wonderful, funny little people and I can't wait to see where life takes you.

Love always,

Mommy