What I'm about to say is not a cast out into the waters, fishing for compliments or encouragement. It is an admission, solely for the purpose of being human and possibly helping other mothers out there feel less alone, should they find themselves feeling similarly.
My children deserve better than I've been giving them. I have been feeling increasingly, as of late, that I'm not doing right by them in so many situations. I could use the excuse that I'm chronically tired or that I'm deprived of this or that, but none of it justifies being anything less than stellar for these two amazing children.
Case in point, we met up with some friends the other night for dinner and to celebrate a birthday. I, of course, forgot the birthday gift in my haste to leave the house (late, no less) and we had to trek back to the house after dinner. Which ordinarily would have been fine except my friend's kiddo was at the beginning of a cold. After assurances that she was probably fine, and against my better judgment - the lure of a night with friends was insatiable - they came in the house and stayed ... until 10:20 p.m.! Yes, we all have children. Yes, they are all 4 years-old or younger. And they all stayed up with us. Long story short, the kids went to bed late, and Baylor and Bryson have ended up with colds.
I knew the little one was sick, yet I let her in the house and allowed her to touch all my kids' stuff. I knew what time my kids' bedtime was, yet I allowed our friends to stay far beyond it. Why? I don't know.
I do know that this, and other such instances, have me going to bed every night feeling guilty for not doing better, not being better. When I was a kid, believe it or not, I was a bit of an insomniac; I'd stay awake for hours thinking and concocting stories in my head. The insomnia has returned, albeit to a much lesser degree - no doubt in part because I am exhausted and burning the candle at both ends, because of these guilty feelings.
The house is falling apart slowly but surely, and somehow it feels like I'm stuck in quicksand, unable to halt the incoming tide of clutter. Without a doubt, it feels like I am behind on everything, and eventually the kids will notice. I don't want their lives to be affected by my ADD-style household, but it feels like they will be.
I have to do better. I will do better. I just have to figure out how.
1 comment:
Oh Nicole, it's so hard being a stay at home mom sometimes, isn't it? I sometimes catch myself thinking how much easier it would be to be at work. Do you ever get any time just for yourself? Sometimes, all we need is a bit of space to get some perspective and solutions.
Be kind and gentle with yourself. Your children need a mama who is strong and centred. You are doing a wonderful job.
xxx.
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