I reread my last post, and right away I noticed a shocking lack of exclamation points. Like Elaine Benes of Seinfeld fame, I fully believe in and embrace the emotive power of the exclamation point and feel free to use them at will. Like this! So when I saw so few of them in my post, and most of them paired with question marks, I felt a little sad.
Here is this amazingly wonderful news - we are pregnant - and there are no exclamation points to accompany it. I thought about it all night and into the morning, wondering why I hadn't just naturally used exclamation points like I usually do. Right before bed, I posted the great news on Facebook and had to go back and add an exclamation point in there, an actual afterthought to my post. What in the world is going on?
As I took my shower today, grateful that Little B was still sleeping soundly, the truth hit me like a ton of bricks; I have so many worries for the months ahead.
First off, I have decided that the responsible thing to do is to have another c-section; I don't want to have to worry about a uterine rupture, and as unnatural as it may be it's the safer way to go for me (especially so close to my last pregnancy). That means weeks of not being able to carry anything heavier than my new baby, including my son. Right now, that seems unfathomable. I know it will be different in nine months because he'll be able to walk by then and will be a lot more independent (just look how different he is now than he was nine months ago). My concern is more emotional than practical; how will Little B know just how much I love him? Will he think I don't love him as much because I cannot hold him and carry him around like I usually do? How will I be able to go without scooping him up into my arms, wrestling with him, throwing him into the air and squealing with glee, or simply enjoy that moment of putting him into his bed and handing him Mr. Bear to snuggle with? I have practical concerns too, but those aren't weighing heavily on my mind like the emotional ones are.
Secondly, I have the typical concern of, how will I ever love another child like I love my Bubba? This worry is more easily reconciled because I know people have been loving multiple children for millenia, sometimes later children even more than the first (though I doubt many parents would ever admit to that). I don't want to slight my second child simply because (s)he is second, and I am determined to bond with this unborn baby as much as I can now and in the future.
Third, being able to carry him aside, will my son think that I don't love him anymore or as fervently as I once did? I am slightly thankful that he won't have had so much Mommy & Me time that he gets really used to it, but all the same I worry that he will feel slighted in some way. I can tell myself and believe whole-heartedly that I will do everything in my power to let him know how much I love him everyday before and after the baby is born, that I will carve out special time for him and I (just like I will for the Baby), that I won't let him feel that this new person has stolen his mom, but will he feel it anyways?
Fourth, I have concerns about how I'm going to handle the physical aspect of pregnancy. Last time I blew up like a balloon, gaining 64 pounds over the course of nine months. Most of it was water weight, and as a result my skin felt like Stretch Armstrong's ... very impressionable; sometimes my husband would rest his hand on my leg just to see if he could make an indentation. By the end, moving was difficult and pretty painful, to say the least, and I had carpel tunnel syndrome so bad I couldn't feel my fingers. My body was pushed to the limits and while I bounced back great, I know that this time I have someone else counting on me to stay in good shape. Maybe having Little B to chase around will keep my weight in check. Maybe the fact that I won't be my most pregnant at the height of summer will help with the swelling. Maybe I'll be able to curb my sodium intake enough to combat the water retention. The thing is, it's a lot of maybes, resulting in a reasonable amount of worry.
Fifth and finally, I am worried how I am going to handle having two kids. If you've ever been to our house (and I realize most of you probably haven't ... at least not on a regular day when I haven't cleaned up for company), you would know that things are *sigh* ... less than clean, less than tidy. I have ADD so I tend to naturally bounce from project to project, often leaving things unfinished, but I really don't want that to be an excuse. I don't want our house, our home, to be this way; especially having not one, but two kids living here. It sucks to have to do an epic clean-up before company comes, often leaving myself wishing people wouldn't come over. And when people do come over and see things at their less-than-perfectness, I feel ashamed. Lord knows my anal-retentive mother (love you, ma!) raised me differently than I have turned out. I would eat off my parents' floor on any given day; ours, I wouldn't eat a Cheerio off of if it hit the ground for anything over a millisecond.
So what? What in the world am I going to do?
Well, for starters, I am going to shower my son with affection, but that's really nothing new; I've been doing that since the day he was born. I'm also going to try to encourage his independence a little and make sure he knows that he's okay if I'm doing something else (I think he might already know this, though).
I'm going to take time to talk to Baby (who I may occasionally refer to as "Paco" - that's what my dad jokingly thought we should name Baby), and try to really enjoy my pregnancy like I did the last time.
I'm going to exercise as much as I can. My days are often quite packed with chasing my son around, but that's pretty good exercise, right? And I'm going to eat as best I can, but still indulge my pregnant self every now and then.
I'm going to try to get this house working like clockwork by the time Baby comes along. That means cleaning and organizing to the hilt, leaving no nook cluttered, no crannie dirty. And I need to stay on top of it ... for once in my life.
And, finally, I am hoping to start doing my prenatal yoga DVD. I think it will help with relaxation and keeping me moving and limber throughout the pregnancy. The lady in the video is a bit of a space cadet, if I remember correctly, but I'll just have to ignore her as best I can and just breathe.
Deep breath, Nicole. Deep breath.
5 comments:
Ok, so we both know that I cannot speak from experience as you have much more of that than I do at this point, and it's you I've been looking to to model myself after. The thing I can say with absolute confidence is that you are an amazing mother and I have no doubt that will be the case with two children as well. Try to enjoy this as much as possible. Your plan of action sounds like a very good one, but do make sure to indulge yourself from time to time as well. It's a pregnant woman's right :) Much love momma! :)
Oh honey. I really don't know what to say to make things easier on you but Autumn has gone through this and she said she was shocked that she loves all her kids equally even though we used to fight all the time about who Mom and Dad loved more. Bringing a new baby into a family is a big thing but I know you have SO much love that Baylor isn't going to lose any of it. You are super extra strong and your "messy" house is some one elses "clean" so don't let that bug you too much. We all love you tons and will help as much as possible. :)
My first thought when reading your post was I felt THIS SAME EXACT WAY each time I found out I was pregnant. So, you're not alone in these thoughts/worries. Having been there, done that, let me help reassure you (even though it won't really help...'cause people did it to me too and until they were born I stressed.)
The instant you hear that baby cry your heart will grow...just like the grinch. No love or feeling will be stollen from B...it will just expand. You will honestly forget what life was like without this new little baby and when you think back to times before s/he was born, you'll feel more complete and whole now that they're there. I look back at pictures and things that we did before David and Heather were born and it just seems weird, the pictures feel wrong because people are missing.
I'm partial to the age spacing you'll have between the two kids. B will not remember a time when his brother/sister was not around. He'll have this blog and pictures to look back at, but all his concrete memories will involve a younger sibling. They will have an amazing bond as siblings. My children would be absolutely lost without each other and are as close as close can be. Yes, there were/still are some moments of jealousy, but it passes quickly and they were instant best friends.
The c-section recovery will suck...but you'll still be able to hold and love on B. I found I could pick my kids up if I was in a seated position and hold and rock them, read stories, draw pictures, etc. They were so fasinated with the baby that they didn't seem to mind. When people came over to visit they made sure to spend time with and pay attention to my older children so they never felt left out or second place. I had them help in the caring of the new baby, like getting diapers or helping burp, or finding a toy. They took a lot pride in helping take care of the baby and they felt involved and had your attention.
I can say without a doubt that I do love all my children equally. There isn't one thing I would do for one that I wouldn't do for the others. They all have vastly different personalities and likes, but that doesn't change my feelings...it makes them stronger. And seeing them all playing together and getting along is an amazing parenting moment.
As far as your house, someone said keeping a clean house with small children is like shoveling the walk when it's snowing. I learned quickly that if people were coming to my house and expecting to see perfection, they were coming to the wrong place. Don't stress about it. (easier said than done, I know.) Have you ever heard of the FlyLady? It's an awesome site that can get things in your house in order without killing yourself. Look it up. Give it a try. I used it religiously while pregnant and it helped. I need to get back on track with it though...my house needs it. :)
On the upside, this pregnancy will go a lot faster than your first because you'll have little B to chase around and spoil with time and attention. I gained 25 pounds with my first pregnancy but only 10 and 15 with the second and third. I was so busy and running around it was easier to keep those things in check.
Enjoy every moment, journal and keep notes...you're not shorting B at all...and you'll want to remember these things and times for the growing family!
I've been in your shoes. I have two little girls and I never imagined I would be able to love another one like my older daughter. All I can say is that I love the two of them more than I ever thought I could love just one. My love for my baby has made me love my older daughter that much more. I know it feels scary now, and there will be an adjustment period when the baby comes, but it will all work out.
I've also been in your same shoes about the repeat c/s. I ended up having one due to reasons beyond my control, but I can honestly say that had I had a vbac the transition would have been *much* smoother for us all.
Maybe have you considered looking into a local ICAN group? Or check out vbacfacts.com? While uterine rupture is super (super!) scary, the risk of hysterectomy or my baby being born not ready to breathe is so much scarier to me. The risk of rupture is less than 1%, while the risk of the other complications are about the same or higher. I knew that if I scheduled the c/s, I was taking a whole other set of risks that were more guaranteed than if I chose to vbac.
Good luck, Mama. Whatever you do, you'll make the best decision for your whole family, including your baby and any future babies, I'm sure.
Hop over here to this link and browse a little bit, you were mentioned in the comments and that's how I found your blog:
http://www.theunnecesarean.com/blog
My first child entered the world through surgical-extraction just like yours, I was gutted like a dead fish just like 1 in 3 American women. Please inform yourself of your choices! C-Section for no medical reason is DANGEROUS to both You AND your baby. You have 4x the risk of DEATH and that would be totally irresponsible to take that sort of risk when you already have a child who might end up motherless!
VBAC is SAFE so long as you do not allow the use of Pitocin, and the risk of rupture is only .5%, you have a 99.5% chance of NOT rupturing. Should your uterus Rupture, there is still less than a 1 in 200 chance of the baby or you being harmed. In other words, 99.96-99.745% of moms attempting VBAC will not lose their babies because of uterine rupture!
Should you plan to have additional children (I myself would like 4 total), please don't go for another C-section, because each time they perform open abdominal surgery on you the riskier it gets. Life is too precious to take risks like this, and elective surgery is NEVER the safer option.
Crystal
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