Sparked by a conversation we had the other day with an acquaintance of ours, I was compelled to read this article. It is all about these parents in Canada who have chosen to keep the sex of their third child, a now four month-old named Storm, a secret. Only Storm's two older brothers, Jazz and Kio, one family friend, and the two midwives who helped deliver him/her know his/her sex. His/her grandparents and other extended family and friends do not know if he/she is a boy or girl. The parents, Kathy Witterick and David Stocker, sent out an e-mail to friends and family at Storm's birth saying, "We've decided not to share Storm's sex for now — a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm's lifetime (a more progressive place? ...)." Their other two boys have been raised to "challenge how they are expected to look and act based on their sex", both boys seemingly leaning towards a more typically feminine gender; Jazz wears his hair in three long braids and enjoys wearing dresses and all things pink, and Kio has chin-length curly blonde hair and enjoys wearing purple. Both are often assumed to be girls, and neither parent offers up a correction unless the child desires them to.
While I applaud these parents for their choice to allow their children to decide who they want to be, I believe they are not being realistic about how their children will eventually function in society. Currently, they are practicing a version of homeschooling called "unschooling", a belief that learning should be driven by a child's natural curiosity. They came to this choice because Jazz, who was eligible to attend school last fall and made some program visits, was upset over the fact that people commented on his hairstyle and choice to wear pink. To keep him out of school for this reason is obviously up to them, and while I can certainly appreciate the urge to protect your children from any hurt whatsoever, I wonder if they are being unrealistic in their expectations of others and of society as a whole. Things aren't going to change overnight no matter how much they would like them to. I would love it if our culture were more accepting of people's preferences, persuasions, and differences, and I hope that in raising my children to be open-minded, kind, caring individuals I can help us move closer toward this goal. With that said, however, there are people out there who don't feel this way, who aren't as accepting of others. In Jazz's case, it seems like they are setting him up to be shell-shocked when he finally goes out into the real world.
In Storm's case, it seems like they are treating him like a sideshow attraction/social experiment, neither of which is an ideal way to start out life. This is, of course, just my opinion, but I feel like this is just creating another way for this child to be different. Don't get me wrong, I am all about celebrating and embracing our differences. But this child didn't get to choose what is happening to him. And it isn't a difference born in him. His parents are creating this difference for him.
It's a complicated issue and an interesting approach to parenting. Regardless of how I or anyone else feels about this issue, I hope that little Storm grows up well-adjusted and happy, because or in spite of his parents' choices.
What do you think?
3 comments:
I have mixed feelings on the topic...I read the article recently as well and my first thought was that the parents were nuts. As I kept reading, I understand their reasoning based on the pressures of society. However, every human being is born with a gender predetermined. Based on that, I feel that the parents' approach is wrong. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with letting the children decide whether to grow their hair out or wear what they want. But at the same time, the children should still learn that there are biological differences between boys and girls. There should be a balance between the children's freedom of choice and the refusal to acknowledge what nature has already determined as their gender. If we accepted that everyone has a gender but is also entitled to like whatever clothes and hair styles they like, then things would be more peaceful in society.
First, couldn't agree with THIS more: "While I applaud these parents for their choice to allow their children to decide who they want to be, I believe they are not being realistic about how their children will eventually function in society. "
There are other ways to do it without going to such extremes. For example, I do NOT think it's a cause for concern if a young boy plays with a barbie doll or something to that effect. Nor do I think it's a cause for concern if a young boy wants his nails painted because he sees his mother doing it. However, I do believe they are just setting their children up for failure in the REAL world because they are raising them in their own little bubble and things WON'T change overnight!
While I can appreciate the parents viewpoint-not wanting your children to be constrained by society's views on gender, I can't help but think it's one of those things that looks/sounds better on paper than when put into practice. For instance, the older 2 boys seem to be pushed more towards the feminine, but what if what they REALLY want is to play with trucks? Are they choosing the more "girly" option because that is what gains their parents approval? Since most of their interaction comes from their insular family unit, they are going to gravitate towards what their parents obviously want for them-to be able to do more traditionally girly things without any repercussions. I truly wonder what the parents reaction would be to being told by the older boy "I want to cut my hair, and wear all blue-no more pink." And I can totally see that happening as he reaches his teenage years, and really just wants to belong with his peers.
As for Storm-at the moment, I don't see it doing the child any really harm, but how are they going to answer the question when the child starts asking it: "Why doesn't anyone know who/what I am? Why is it such a big deal?" It rubs me very much the wrong way to experiment (even a social experiment such as this one) with a child who cannot consent to it. Why couldn't they move to a new community (as anyone who has moved knows, if you want to recreate yourself, that's a prime opportunity), and have the PARENTS live as genderless? Why do they have to try a prove a point using their child? That's the thing about it that concerns me the most-we don't know what long lasting issues that child might grow up having, because really, it seems like the ultimate in identity issues: My parents didn't want people to know my gender!
Finally, the "unschooling" issue. Apparently, when done well, it can be very rewarding for both child and parent, but it is very hard, because the parent can't just sit back and let the child do the work-they have to make sure their son(s) is (are) still learning the appropriate subject matter. I didn't really get the feeling from the article they were putting in the time and effort to make sure their son ended up with the well balanced education he'll need to suceed in the world.
Sorry this ended up being so long, but it just really struck a chord in me!
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