Ten Days

Ten days left. Yup, just ten days.

In ten days I'll have two kids ... whoa. Isn't that amazing? Two whole kids. A boy and a ...?

Ten days feels both so incredibly short and like it is an eternity stretching ahead of me. I have so much to do in ten days; my tick tock list is still hanging out there, waiting for me to complete it, and all I keep doing is adding to it. It probably won't be finished before the kiddo comes, but I'm just going to have to be okay with that. And I will be, so long as some of the items get done for sure.

I only have ten days to enjoy this life I've gotten used to over the past year and a half. One week and three days to soak up my time with Baylor, hugs, kisses, tickles, and all, before my attention is divided forever. In just ten days, I have to start finding my way to a new normal. It won't necessarily be worse, most likely it'll be better, but I've never been comfortable with big changes like this so I'm feeling nervous. I keep telling myself that it'll be okay, that not so long ago I made another huge change very similar to this one and look how wonderful it turned out, but deep down I'm terrified. My thoughts are plagued with questions like "how do you take care of two kids", "how can I possibly love another kid as much as I love Baylor", "how do help two kids thrive ... won't one fall by the wayside", "what if it's a boy", "what if it's a girl", etc.

Even happy moments with Baylor feel numbered, and I feel both intensely protective of them and horribly guilty for not being over-the-moon excited for Paco like I was for Little B. It's not that I'm not happy to have another child, but life doesn't happen in a vacuum; things are different now than they were when Baylor was born and emotions change with life. Will I love this child? Yes, without a doubt; I already do. But the carefree elation I felt when I was pregnant with Baylor has been overshadowed by the knowledge of what will happen in the days ahead. Newborn time is not easy time, at least it wasn't for me, and I'm trying to keep as hopeful as I can for a better experience this time around.

And then there is the eternity ... ten days of poor sleep at night, Braxton Hicks contractions, swollen legs, compression hose, waddling, round ligament pain, anxiety, anticipation, and the cruel combination of exhaustion and an overwhelming urge to get things done. This week has dragged on like nobody's business, so the next ten days are a bit daunting. I want the day to be here already, the anticipation and anxiety to be behind me. I want to not feel nervous to start the new normal ... I just want it to be here already!

My doctor has all but assured me that it will be ten days and no less, so I also have begun to grieve a bit for the birthing experience I had hoped for, full of anticipation and unexpectedness. In ten days I'll be cut in half again and have to deal with all that entails. Hopefully I'll remember Paco's first day. Hopefully I won't feel like throwing up until I feel ripped in two all over again. Hopefully I'll be able to hold my baby sooner than I did Baylor. Hopefully.

In the end, all I can do is breathe deeply, try to get as much as I can done, let go of the rest, enjoy the time I have with just Baylor, and remind myself that he'll love having a sibling (hopefully sooner rather than later).

*I realize this post is probably horrible and scattered, but I guess that kind of reflects my mood and thoughts right now so I'm okay with it. I hope you will be, too.