One of my very close friends had a baby about a week ago, and last night I finally got to talk to her. At first she sounded great, but after a few minutes I noticed sadness in her voice. She soon began to tell me how hard of a time she was having breastfeeding her son, and even over the phone I could tell how heartbroken she was that this process wasn't going as she had expected them to.
Expectations are a part of everyday life and while it is almost impossible to avoid them, they can so often rob us of enjoying some otherwise wonderful experiences. These "great" expectations can be seen most readily, in my opinion, when awaiting the arrival of your first child. In our culture we even call the state of pregnancy "expecting", but what exactly are we expecting? Our society has set out for us images and slogans that tell us what we should be doing, how things should be going, what this whole experience is supposed to be like, but whose ideals are these?
The pendulum has swung back to natural births being in fashion, calling those who would opt for a c-section "too posh to push"; I didn't do any pushing or experience any real labor, but does that make my experience any less magical? Any less honorable? At nearly 200 lbs., 5' 4" tall, was I really that posh? And while I struggle with the thought that I might not ever get to experience childbirth in a more natural way, I know that I did the right thing for my son at the time.
And then there is the "breast is best" slogan ... while I understand where they are coming from with this catch phrase, they might as well add "and everything else is crap" to it. That is how it makes you feel. Science and society put unbelievable pressure on moms today to master the art of breastfeeding; I myself had difficulty breastfeeding and while my son and I eventually got into a rhythm, it isn't that way for everyone. I have known women who don't produce enough breastmilk, who have to be on medication that could harm their baby, who have to go back to work to help support their family, and these women are still wonderful mothers. Formula isn't the devil; breastmilk may be preferable, but it certainly isn't the end-all-be-all.
My friend expressed concern at what other mothers will say if she "gives up" and switches her son to formula. While it is easy for me to say, "Who gives a crap what other mothers think!", we need to see this as a problem plaguing our society that has to be fixed. As mothers, shouldn't we be building each other up, helping one another succeed? Now, that's not to say that all mothers are wonderful and should be celebrated; there are certainly practices and behaviors that I do not agree with and could never support. But, in the case of my friend, she's not giving up; she has tried very hard to figure out the whole breastfeeding thing, knowing that that is what she has wanted to do from the get-go. And it's not like she's giving up feeding her child altogether, letting him starve into oblivion; if she chooses to switch to formula, she's giving him nutrients and sustenance that have helped generations of children grow into wonderful, healthy adults.
Expectations are a part of life; they help us to prepare ourselves mentally and physically for the future. But it is important to hold on loosely to those expectations because, after all, sometimes the unexpected can be great, too.
3 comments:
I have just come across your blog and really like it! You speak my language :)
I have felt the same things about breast vs bottle feeding. Caesarean vs natural labour.
I am now in a place in my life where I realise that as women, we actually DO support each other's choices (depends on who you choose as your friends!), the real battle is within ourselves.
We are not 100% happy with the choices we make and feel we need to justify them to the world.
So we need to work on making peace with our own choices.
Keep writing such nice posts!
I agree! I've always thought that "peer pressure" isn't necessarily the pressure others put on us but the pressure we put on our selves to conform. It isn't only with babies but with body images/beauty issues too. There is a lot of outside pressure that women get and if we worked together more it would be better but a lot of women are manipulative when it comes to other women. Men fight when they have issues - we back bite and other things.
Great post.
Hey there, I found your blog from the comments section on Pacing the Panic Room.
I agree with you, expectations can be a b*tch. They set us up for failure and unhappiness. That said, we are all ultimately responsible for our own feelings and our reactions, so to say that someone/thing is "making" us feel a certain way is a bit of a fallacy. We allow ourselves to react and feel based on past experience and knee-jerk reactions. With some calm thought and consideration, I have learned that most of my "you're making me feel xyz" moments have been completely caused by my own insecurities and frustrations that I harbor within myself.
I noticed you also said in your comment that you are having an ERCS because you like your OB. That makes me feel so sad for you! It reminds me of my step-daughter who stayed in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend for four years but would not get out because she really "like him". True story, I promise.
Check out your local ICAN chapter or birth network. I bet they can help you find an OB or midwife just as likable who doesn't force you to have major surgery that is likely 100% unnecessary.
Your body ROCKS, Mama. Now prove it to yourself.
Best wishes to you for an empowering and life changing birth,
MM
Post a Comment